Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I didn't notice because vodka
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
