I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
