I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
