Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
