I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
