I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
