I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
