the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
