Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
