I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
