It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
