All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
