i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Quick, to the slutcave!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she told me i tasted like america
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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