my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
