i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
