omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
