I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You made out with two different species that night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
