like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
