I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
