help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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