You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
