Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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