just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
