Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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