And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
