If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
