i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
