You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
