I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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