apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
