I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
