I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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