I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
