Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
