The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
