my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
