apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
