There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
