exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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