I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
