So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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