He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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