I wish my penis had an off switch
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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