There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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