If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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