Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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