When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
