OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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