so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
