I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
