I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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