I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
